This is admittedly a crowded article, but it’s simply a testament to the enthusiasm my Fordham Observer colleagues bring to the sport of racing. Unlike almost every other guest article on Paddy’s Picks this weekend, this has absolutely no intrinsic value as an analytic piece. But damn it if it doesn’t have style.
Maddie Sandholm, the Layout Editor/Assistant Sports Social Media Editor/Contributing Writer of The Fordham Observer, returns with prose that betrays her background in visual arts. Creative Director Roxanne Cubero’s prose is… also good. Meanwhile, Opinions Editor Clara Gerlach, Copy Editor Emily Ellis, and News Editor Allie Stofer all make exceedingly promising debuts as valuable contributors to a very silly premise.
After four years of invaluable experience at The Observer, I simply can’t think of a better way to pay back my colleagues than to force them to dedicate valuable time to a sport they don’t understand. This is a result of my gratitude more than anything else.
For official Paddy’s Picks analysis of this race, click here.
To return to the Breeders’ Cup Friday master list, click here.
Race 8
Breeders’ Cup Juvenile Fillies Turf (G1) for Two-Year-Old Fillies, 1 Mile on the Turf
1- Pizza Bianca
Maddie: Bobby Flay is the breeder of Pizza Bianca. Need I say more?
Roxanne: giving very much Italian renaissance vibes and i love that. It’s my favorite historical era because i have a crush on Daniel Sharman as Lorenzo de’Medici in the Netflix series Medici.
Clara: Pizza bianca sounds like a cute horse who deserves a tomato and some cheese
Emily: I’d make a joke, but the fact that this horse is named after pizza means it has been bullied enough.
Allie: I like pizza but Bianca makes me think of the stuck up sister from “10 Things I Hate About You” which I don’t like. So 50% approval rating.
2- Cairo Memories
Maddie: Dreaming of Egypt? Or maybe she’s a Sphinx in disguise, probably best to stay away and not answer her riddles.
Roxanne: damn i like this one because i also had an egyptology phase when i was a kid. but i also fear that what i learned was terribly whitewashed somehow.
Clara: “Do I see a pyramid in the distance? I guess you don’t need a camel, you need a horse”
Emily: The name of this horse just makes me think of Timothee Chalamet in Dune.
Allie: I don’t have any memories of Cairo so this feels exclusionary.
3- Cachet (Ire)
Maddie: Cachet sashay away, this horse knows how to rock the runway.
Roxanne: like the internet thingy? but like en français
Clara: “She seems like she needs a glass of wine after picking up her kids from soccer practice”
Emily: The combination of Cachet and IRE just made me anxious cause it sounds like I’m about to do my taxes.
Allie: Cachet sounds like Cash it. I really like cash.
4- Turnerloose
Maddie: Turnerloose? I barely know her.
Roxanne: new instagram username just dropped
Clara: “This girl was a vague bunny for halloween and she had a lot of fun”
Emily: Don’t turn her loose, that Turnerloose is a wild one. Mad respect for this one.
Allie: Hell yeah. Feminism.
5- Bubble Rock
Maddie: I’m not sure why “School House Rock” popped into my head but now “Conjunction Junction” is stuck in my head.
Roxanne: I hope she’s like bubblegum pink #girlboss
Clara: “I wonder if there’s a reason for this name, or they chose an oxymoron on purpose. Anyway, I hope she’s light on her feet but she’s tough as a rock”
Emily: Will this horse rock the competition or pop under the pressure?
Allie: Based on the name, I’m guessing this horse belongs to a four year old that is set to inherit 100 million dollars
6- Hello You
Maddie: Hi?
Roxanne: This is what creepy tinder guys say so it’s a naur (no) from me
Clara: “This is literally the netflix show come to life. Hope this race doesn’t end like season 3 of You.”
Emily: If this horse race isn’t entirely narrated by Joe from You, then they missed a great opportunity.
Allie: sounds like a horse that is either singing Adele or the Beatles.
7- Consumer Spending
Maddie: Personally, I think we should just print more money, what could go wrong?
Roxanne: the yassification of the evils of capitalism
Clara: “As an econ major this is my favorite thing on earth, but eating the rich has a different meaning here”
Roxanne: I hope this horse is as fast as my aunt at a Black Friday sale.
Allie: Sounds like a bad financial decision
8- Sail By
Maddie: Sounds like she might cruise past the competition. Or hit the iceberg that appears from the depths of the Del Mar Race Track. Hopefully not the latter.
Roxanne: making me think about when i went to montauk this summer and that was a great memory except i went with my ex who traumatized me
Clara: “I wonder if the auctioneer had trouble with this horse”
Emily: Maybe I’m a different breed…SAIL.
Allie: sailboats are pretty slow. Don’t know if I’d want to brag about how slow my horse is.
9- Koala Princess
Maddie: “Koala” and “Princess” are incredible on their own but together? This horse is perfection and I love her with all of my heart.
Roxanne: i want to be her when i grow up
Clara: “I know this horse is really cute because no horse that’s ugly could get this name”
Emily: Naming an animal after a different kind of animal is just wrong. It’s like naming your dog “cat”. Just don’t do it.
Allie: This horse is also named by a four year old but this four year old likes animals.
10- Helens Well (Ire)
Maddie: She’s from Ireland and her name is Helens Well, I will take no other explanation than this horse is simply a fairy.
Roxanne: it’s giving charlotte’s web. we can’t all have original thoughts unfortunately
Clara: “This girl goes up to the hamptons in the summer and she loves picking apples from her own orchard in the fall”
Emily: Either there is a tragic backstory behind this horse where a woman named Helen fell down a well, or it’s the complete opposite and Helen is, in fact, well.
Allie: I don’t know who Helen is or where her well is, but I find the name very comforting and sounds like an old grandma’s name.
11- Haughty
Maddie: While “haughty” might mean arrogant by the dictionary, I feel like you don’t name your horse this unless they’re “haught”(y) stuff.
Roxanne: toddy
Clara: “Hottie? Hopefully for a reason, and that the name wasn’t picked… in a haughty way”
Emily: I wish all people were named after their defining character trait. “Over there, that’s sweetheart, and right there, that’s obnoxious”
Allie: who hates their horse? The only reason I would name something this mean is if I was disappointed in it constantly. Wouldn’t bet money on this horse.
12- Malavath (Ire)
Maddie: Is she named after Indian mountaineer, Malavath Purna? If so, this horse is destined to go high places.
Roxanne: like maleficent but not; angelina jolie served the boots house down houston mama yas gawd in that movie
Clara: “European, eh? Interesting? Angela Jolie vibes”
Emily: So I watch this cringy show where they battle a monster called Malavor and he’s just a literal pile of goo. So that’s what this reminded me of.
Allie: Mal means bad in Spanish. So this horse will be bad.
13- Mise En Scene (GB)
Maddie: French name for a British horse? Who mixed this up?
Roxanne: it’s giving very much 16th century tudor era england and france
Clara: “Gives me the vibes of mise en place, hopefully he doesn’t stay in place”
Emily: You know its bad when I googled what this means and the first things to pop up were theatre studies books.
Allie: this sounds like missing on scene. Don’t be surprised if the horse doesn’t show up the day of.
14- California Angel
Maddie: She’s got home turf advantage, but she spends all her time waiting, for that second change, for a break that would make it okay. We’ll see if she can fly away from here.
Roxanne: it’s giving legendary fordham alum miss lana del rey, giving summertime sadness, giving ride, giving lust for life, giving ultraviolence, giving body electric, giving video games, giving blue jeans, giving hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have — but i have it
Clara: “Gives me Claudia Sulewski vibes, a California Angel indeed”
Emily: Hey, that was my nickname in High School.
Allie: This is a lie. There is nothing angelic about California; it is literally on fire. I don’t trust this horse.
Maddie’s Pick: 9- Koala Princess
Koala Princess is the winner of my heart and also the Juvenile Fillies Turf <3
Roxanne’s Pick: 14- California Angel
i’m a lana del rey stan, so i’m obliged to pick my queen california angel. she’s chaotic, a little problematic but girl can sing (run/gallop).
Clara’s Pick: 7- Consumer Spending
I believe in Consumer Spending, she seems like a pick that anyone would want to get behind. Is the name boring? Maybe, but sometimes it’s the boring ones that give us the most surprising results. I believe in all of them, but the econ major in me has to put my trust in the one name I understand.
Emily’s Pick: 12- Malavath
I think that Malavath is gonna win because she sounds slightly evil and in real life, the villains always win.
Allie’s Pick: 5- Bubble Rock
The winner will undoubtedly be Bubble Rock. I stand by that it is owned by a rich four year old which is why the horse will win. Bubble Rock is owned by a literal child which means that it will also be the most well-trained horse. The horse has to be the fastest as the child will cry if the horse does not win.
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