The Breeders’ Cup Juvenile is an important race every year, as it gives racing fans a very early picture of the possible Kentucky Derby contenders the following year. To properly cover this event in all its glory, here are the thoughts of three people who don’t know what they’re talking about.
Matt Ludington makes his debut on Paddy’s Picks after years of ignorance about its existence. The same hard-working, intelligent pre-med student who thought that The Observer was a sports-only publication is as new to the idea of Paddy’s Picks as he is to the sport of racing itself. Double the confusion, double the fun.
Ryan Heffron has either been a guest before or he hasn’t. He doesn’t remember and I don’t either, and checking these things is hard. What’s important is that he’s learned a lot about life and nothing about racing since his last appearance, if he did in fact have one.
Tony Kraus takes a lax approach to his analysis, and bettors can rely on his laid back thoughts to give them some sense of clarity about something or other. I’m just not sure how effectively he’ll be picking winners.
For official Paddy’s Picks analysis of this race, click here.
To return to the Breeders’ Cup Friday Master List, click here.
1- Jack Christopher (SCRATCHED)
Matt: Kind of basic. Which Jack and which Christopher is this based on?
Ryan: Sounds like Jack’s last name in Jack n Jill.
Tony: That’s a weak name. Where’s Jack Christopher from?
2- Jasper Great
Matt: Jasper’s cool. It’s really old school. If I were to meet this horse, it would be the first Jasper I’ve ever met. The first person I meet with a name, I’ll always associate them with that name. 6/10 name, maybe 5.5.
Ryan: Jasper is a badass name. 10/10. He wins cuz he sounds like a gangster.
Tony: I don’t like that they called him great. How did they know he was going to be great? I’ve never met this horse. If he has a good personality, maybe he is great. But maybe he took the name and figured that he didn’t have to work hard.
3- Oviatt Class
Matt: So far the best name. He’s got an 8.5/10 name. It’s class, it’s a classy name. I don’t even know what an oviatt is.
Ryan: Cool name, a little too snobby for me. 5/10. Second best so far.
Tony: I feel like this horse is probably going to do well. His owners were creative enough to give him that name, so they’ll be creative enough to train him to win. What’s the most important thing for training a horse? The creativity.
4- Pappacap
Matt: Poppa cap in yo ass. This reminds me of… how do I put this? He sounds like a… mobster. He’ll do whatever it takes to win. Better than Jasper definitely. Probably a 7, 7.5. No, 6.5.
Heff: Poppa cap. Definitely the second best name. I take it back about Oviatt Class.
Tony: This dude is gonna win. I think it’s pretty self-explanatory.*
*Hold on, I thought it was Pappacat. That changes everything.
5- Double Thunder
Matt: Nope. I’m a Christian.
Ryan: Nice. Kind of basic though. We’re still on weather metaphors as naming mechanisms?
Tony: That sounds like a really generic horse name, so he’s probably going to finish in the middle of the pack. You think about randomly generated horse names.
6- American Sanctuary
Matt: I support sanctuary cities and our refugees. What is an American sanctuary? Syracuse is a great sanctuary city, so it’s a hopeful name. It’s a 7, 7/10.
Ryan: Oh my god. He better come in last for self-explanatory reasons. Sounds kind of racist to me.
Tony: I kind of like that. How much does this horse weigh? He’ll probably do fine. Maybe he’ll win. But he’s a forgettable horse.
7- Giant Game
Matt: He’s just like me for real. He’s all about the giant gains. It’s a 10— no, I can’t give a 10. But I really like him because he’s all about the grind, like me. And Niko, put that on the record.
Ryan: I like that. It’s like a giant bane, giant game. He’s got a giant shlong. Third place so far.
Tony: Are they hunting him? Because that’s a pretty accurate name if so.
8- Barossa
Matt: This sounds like a sugma. Oh, you see me Barossa? Can I Barossa some sugar? No, I don’t support commies. 4/10.
Ryan: Like Frederick Barbarossa? Is he the Holy Roman Emperor of horses? He’s going to win some of it but not all of it.
Tony: What does that mean? Depends on what his name means. If it’s a family name, he’s a bum. If it means something in some other language, he’ll probably be better off for that.
9- Pinehurst
Matt: This sounds… I’m just not moved whatsoever by this name. He’s just Pinehurst. He’s just clocking in with a solid fourth or fifth.
Ryan: Like the golf course? I think he’ll just be on par.
Tony: I don’t know how I feel about this. That sounds like a town name. Is that named after a town? Eh, I actually kind of like naming horses after a place, if he’s named for that.
10- Commandperformance
Matt: Setting the tone. This horse likes to set the tone. He commands and demands a performance, but of what sort? We suspect good, but we don’t know. He’s a wild card. 6.5/10. Actually, just give it a solid 6. Would be better if his name was Commandgoodperformance.
Ryan: That’s really good. I really like that. I think they should stop with spaces. Let’s return to the Latin alphabet, or grammar.
Tony: I like this horse. He sounds like a decent chap, a decent fella. I feel like I could sit on a bench in the Park with this horse with a couple 40s, sing some songs. He sounds alright.
11- Tough to Tame
Matt: I like this horse, it reminds me of Spirit from the animated series with the horse. Google it, look up whatever it is and put it in. He was also tough to tame, but once he learned to work with humans, he proved to be a valuable asset to the Spirit team and Spirit franchise. Give it a 7.
Ryan: Eh. He’s already tamed. That’s like teasing him. He literally lives in a cage.
Tony: When did they name him? Before he was born or after? Why are you naming your horse that? Don’t you want to tame him really well? I don’t think he would have the discipline to run in that circle fast enough.
12- Corniche
Matt: Corny. 2/10.
Ryan: That’s a niche name, I like it. He might be the corn of the crop. I think you should put him in… fourth.
Tony: All or nothing. Corniche is coming first, or Corniche is coming last. That’s what happens when you name your horse like that. It’s a high risk game. Not many people are going to understand when you name your horse like that. And as everyone knows, the most important thing is how the general public feels about a horse name.
Matt’s Pick: 5- Double Thunder
It’s Double Thunder. This country has fallen to Sodom. Or what’s that biblical city? What’s the biblical city that God destroys because it’s really not good? Is it Sodom? Are you writing all of this? No wait, don’t write all of this. I’m just rambling here. Yes, Double Thunder will win because this country has no morals. That’s the gist of what I’m saying.
Ryan’s Pick: 2- Jasper Great
I just think he’s going to really… shine. Like a precious gem, or stone, if you would. And he sounds really fast. I spoke to him the other day, and he was all *horse noises* and really serious. He’s probably running laps right now.
Tony’s Pick: 10- Commandperformance
His name is ambiguous enough.
Steady Eddie’s Surprise Pick: 7- Giant Game
Have you watched a New York Football Giants game this year? Abysmal. I think they’ve been saving their luck for horse racing.